Charlie Brown isn't known for his kitchen skills--remember when Peppermint Patty ripped him a new one for his subpar Thanksgiving dinner? By the way, what was that about? Was that the only Holiday dinner she was getting that year? Did she not have parents?

How this kid got a cookbook deal is a mystery, but here it is:

I got this book at a garage sale when I was about 7. I loved it, but never made any of the recipes. They seemed a little exotic at the time, but adult eyes see humdrum, 1970s-style sandwiches with a few bizarre, 1970s-style standouts.

We have to remember that Charlie's just a kid, and he's kind of known for not excelling at anything, so we shouldn't expect him to be making Dagwood sandwiches (now that guy should write a cookbook). But Jesus, Chuck--peanut butter, celery and ketchup--on buttered bread? Was it summer vacation? Was your mom working, and your dad blackout drunk on the couch again, and the only things you could reach in the kitchen were peanut butter, celery, ketchup, butter and bread, and you were so hungry that you thought it tasted like a Manwich, and you were all like, "Damn, this is goood!"? Because this is what neglected children with no innate culinary sense eat for brunch. Just put the peanut butter on the celery, the butter on the bread, and the ketchup in a juice glass with a little hot water mixed in--all technically edible, unlike your pb&c&b&k.

Peanut butter and sweet relish on rye doesn't go in a lunch bag. It goes in a trash bag.

**1 can makes 1 sandwich. Deviled ham really was little in the 70s.**

Deviled ham, pineapple, and bell pepper on raisin bread. While you're at it could you make me a fluffernutter on an everything bagel? I haven't eaten since breakfast and I'm insane.

If anyone out there is brave enough to try one of these three exceptional recipes (no cheating by making one of the mundane ones), report back and let the world know how hurky they actually are.

**"Mmmmh, strawberry jam and mustard--my favorite! Gotta eat fast, I have that MRI in 20 minutes."**